Lost confusion. Confessions in my head that hid behind my heart. Knowing what is correct, but wanting what isn't right. Begging for the wrong, praying for the right. What do I do?
Can someone be the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to you? all at once? He is.
Am I blind to the real world answers? Am I lost in the sea of love? What is happening to my kind judgement and soft temper?
I sit and ponder, and simply need to get some things off my chest. I need to know what the right answer is, but it never seems to come. I pray, I make a decision, and then i second guess myself and wonder if it's the correct answer that God showed me, or if I'm simply making the decision the best pleases me. Importance, being used to an extent, or being loved?
At this point, I know that I can't take care of myself, muchless someone else, but he needs someone to take care of him, and he relys on me for that, but I can't do it. It will hurt saying I can't. I want to, I do. I want to beable to do anything I can to help him, but will I be sucessful? Probably not.
3 weeks is so so so soon. Can I handle it? Is it the time that bothers me, the person, or the fear? Is it fear if being rejected by him? Or is it the fact that he expects too much from me? Is it him in generally, his non-God fearing spirit? What is making these feels of sudden regret fall into my lap?
I buy the ticket.
I buy the meal.
I buy the necessities.
I buy the gas.
What do you get?
An easy way out, with a struggling girlfriend.
Today I ask myself, is love more important than myself? Is it worth disappointing my family, and friends? Is it even really there? Can I love by knowing the pain it's caused others? What do I do, Lord. Please give me the answers today. Tell me what I do, tell me how I do it.. Tell me why.
I ask you please, please tell me the answer.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
careless.
Have you ever thought about, what protects your heart?
Just a cage of rib bones, and other various parts.
This is so true. There is no preperation for being heartbroken. Nothing at all you can do emotionally to help you prepare for a heartbreak. Big or small. Nothing that can make your heart not hurt quite as bad, because when it happens, it hurts. No matter what. Sure, your ribs and other bodily organs protect your heart from being physically damaged, but emotional damage is unpreventable.
Heartbreak. When you hear this term, you generally think of loseing someone special. I would think of a break up, death, or other type of large let down. But in my book, these are just major heartbreaks. Many don't include the small things that make your heart hurt to be a heartbreak. I do. And my heart gets hurt pretty often. I wish I could learn to make something besides my ribs and other various parts protect my heart.
As someone who is generally happy, I love making others happy. I have been hurt, over and over, and so when I can make someone else happy, when in pain, it makes me feel important. Generally that's what I long for. I long to be important to someone. I want someone to miss me when I'm gone, and value my opinion. I want someone to want to talk to me, and let me make them happy. I want to make someone happy, and be important to them. I don't really want to be the most important. Just important. I want someone to let me make them happy. Someone imparticular, Sean.
Considering I know noone reads this, I'm okay with letting it all out. The only person that would read this would be Amber, and it doesn't matter if she knows, so..Hi Amber:]
Anyhow. Sean goes through so much, and he means a lot to me. Even being so far away, he can make me happy. Without trying. Simply a conversation makes me happy. I suppose I'm just easy to please, because it isn't the same for him. I don't make him happy no matter how hard I try. I don't make him feel the same way, and it makes my heart so sad. It hurts when he tells me his roommates make him happy, when I'm the one that listens to his problems, and tells him it will be okay. I'm the one that tells him goodnight every night, and worries about him when he doesn't answer. I'm the one that cares so much about him, and yet, I still get nothing. Why? Why was I put in the position to care for someone so much, and not recieve the same in return. I just don't understand. I know that everyone is put in my life for a reason, but I haven't figured out the reason for Sean. Maybe he's there to make me happy. Maybe I shouldn't worry about making someone else happy for once. But that isn't fair, because he would make me muh happier if I were important to him. Ah. Whatever.
Heartbreak. Tonight, my heart was broken a little bit. When you told me they make you happy. When you didn't say "you make me happy, so you don't have to leave me alone." Instead, you said, "It's all I do, but I spend a lot of time with Sarah and Ami, and they make me happy, so, yeah." Note to you: I want to make you happy. Not sexually, not physically, not romantically, not anything more than just a friendly happiness. That's what I want. I want you to miss me when I'm not around, and notice when something is wrong. I want you to care. Basically, I want you to stop being careless.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Suicide.
When the thought enters my mind in a time of pain, although not in a considerational manner,
it scares the piss out of me.
FireWORKs.
Uh. So, today is supposed to be a day where I celebrate being free. Being an American. Being all I can be, in the Army National Gaurd, you can. Okay, not so much.
Not so much, because if I were really celebrating my freedom, I'd call into work today. I have that freedom too, right?
Listen, People really aren't going to be dying to by shoes today. I really don't think it will like, cause someone to crash their car and die if they don't have new shoes on their feet. I don't think it will hold anyone back from their freedom celebration, only because there are many other stores that sale shoes that would still be open if Payless were closed today. Wal-Mart for instance.
So my point is, today is not a day full of fireworks, red white and blue, cookouts, and homemade ice cream until you get your daily misery out of the way. This misery being work. The fire has to be taken out of fireworks to explain my day today. WORK. that's it.
Okay, a little exaggerated I know. I actually get off at 2. I know, that isn't bad. But.. What is bad, is having to wake up early on a day when I'm supposed to celebrate! Celebrate sleep is what I want to do!
Not so much, because if I were really celebrating my freedom, I'd call into work today. I have that freedom too, right?
Listen, People really aren't going to be dying to by shoes today. I really don't think it will like, cause someone to crash their car and die if they don't have new shoes on their feet. I don't think it will hold anyone back from their freedom celebration, only because there are many other stores that sale shoes that would still be open if Payless were closed today. Wal-Mart for instance.
So my point is, today is not a day full of fireworks, red white and blue, cookouts, and homemade ice cream until you get your daily misery out of the way. This misery being work. The fire has to be taken out of fireworks to explain my day today. WORK. that's it.
Okay, a little exaggerated I know. I actually get off at 2. I know, that isn't bad. But.. What is bad, is having to wake up early on a day when I'm supposed to celebrate! Celebrate sleep is what I want to do!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
independence day.
What upsets me the most about the Iraqi war? People complaining about it. Do you understand what this war represents? It represents who we are, Americans. Can you not see that we are there, because of the freedom we have, and the fact that we want to share our freedom with others? Anyhow... planned or not, the so called reason we are in Iraq is to "spread democracy" uh, news flash, you bitching about it constantly and the tomorrow wearing your red white and blue is pretty contradictory. take your red white and blue back to the closet and rethink what you are wearing and determine if you are truly proud to be an American or if bitching about things you can't control makes you happier. If so, go join the other side of the Iraqi War.
The point of my complaining is the general fact that we have the choice. We have a choice today to join the military. We choose to let our Sons join, we choose to sign the papers ourselves, we choose to make the commitment to stand up for our country. We do this for love, and for us to decide we don't want to do it anymore after our country makes a choice to stand up for ourselves after being brought down and broken by a horrible attack, makes me sick to my stomach.
My view, is that we should support those boys no matter what. When they don't have support at home, they don't do the best they can do, and they don't come home. They need to come home to their families, their kids, their wives, because I couldn't imagine having my husband lost in a war where my neighbor cursed him for being there. I couldn't imagine.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July. Independence day. Proud to be an American. Freedom reigns. Do we really appreciate being an American as much as we should? Do we really thank God for placing us here? Do we have any idea what it would be like to be in a different Country where freedom wasn't a free thing? I don't think we do. I don't think we know what it's like to not have the money for food, although we stuggle and we complain and hope for more money, we haven't ever gone without. We don't know what it's like to lose a sister or brother to starvation. We don't know what it's like to eat weeds from the front yard to stay alive. We don't know what it's like to have the government tell us what jobs we will have one day. And how much we are worthy of becoming. We don't understand this side of things.
Anyway. I'm trying to be in the spirit of the holiday, but I'm having these retarded girl moments that make me all teary-eyed and sappy. Gross. I hate being this way, because well, in reality I don't have anyone to appease my sappy moments. Noone to hold my hand and give me kisses good night. OH. I guess I could have brought 30y/o man home with me. He sure would know how to make me happy. -gag- I'm so pathetic.
I've been thinking about the future. What the future holds. What the future has in store for me and my friends. My family. My love life. My professional life. Where will I be when I get out of school besides in debt? Ha. Probably only there. Broke and in debt.
This one boy. Makes me smile. Mhm.
The point of my complaining is the general fact that we have the choice. We have a choice today to join the military. We choose to let our Sons join, we choose to sign the papers ourselves, we choose to make the commitment to stand up for our country. We do this for love, and for us to decide we don't want to do it anymore after our country makes a choice to stand up for ourselves after being brought down and broken by a horrible attack, makes me sick to my stomach.
My view, is that we should support those boys no matter what. When they don't have support at home, they don't do the best they can do, and they don't come home. They need to come home to their families, their kids, their wives, because I couldn't imagine having my husband lost in a war where my neighbor cursed him for being there. I couldn't imagine.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July. Independence day. Proud to be an American. Freedom reigns. Do we really appreciate being an American as much as we should? Do we really thank God for placing us here? Do we have any idea what it would be like to be in a different Country where freedom wasn't a free thing? I don't think we do. I don't think we know what it's like to not have the money for food, although we stuggle and we complain and hope for more money, we haven't ever gone without. We don't know what it's like to lose a sister or brother to starvation. We don't know what it's like to eat weeds from the front yard to stay alive. We don't know what it's like to have the government tell us what jobs we will have one day. And how much we are worthy of becoming. We don't understand this side of things.
Anyway. I'm trying to be in the spirit of the holiday, but I'm having these retarded girl moments that make me all teary-eyed and sappy. Gross. I hate being this way, because well, in reality I don't have anyone to appease my sappy moments. Noone to hold my hand and give me kisses good night. OH. I guess I could have brought 30y/o man home with me. He sure would know how to make me happy. -gag- I'm so pathetic.
I've been thinking about the future. What the future holds. What the future has in store for me and my friends. My family. My love life. My professional life. Where will I be when I get out of school besides in debt? Ha. Probably only there. Broke and in debt.
This one boy. Makes me smile. Mhm.
death in general.
What the hell do i say when someone says "i'm sorry about your grandma passing"..it isn't okay.. why do i have to say it's okay?
what am i supposed to say to this?sometimes, i just don't get the customs that we are used to.. such as saying i'm sorry when someone dies.
Note: It isn't okay when someone dies.
what am i supposed to say to this?sometimes, i just don't get the customs that we are used to.. such as saying i'm sorry when someone dies.
Note: It isn't okay when someone dies.
lobster back.
So. Have you ever been sitting talking with friends, of family, whom ever you have in your presense at the time, and said something and completely contridicted yourself right after saying it? Okay, so maybe this isn't making since so far.
Today. I was out with my grandmother and her lovely friend that lives across the street. After this trip, i decided that i dislike this friend more and more everytime i see her. That is a different story. Anyway, while riding down the street, in a dog hair infested car, I began speaking of the fact that my legs are white, and need to be tanned. After speaking of this, i then stated "I should go to the tanning bed, for like 20 min, i've only burned once in my whole 19 years of life." Amazed at my hardy olive skin friend says "well, i was planning on tanning today, so you should come". Next add-in i'll state is that, this lady is 50. And she tans.
This is why God lets skin cancer happen. I think it's okay.. every once in a while. NOT FOR ATLEAST 30 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.
Anyway, continueing on. We tanned. I get home. My back is as red as a lobster. Damn new bulbs. Who would have thought, you need to turn in a tanning bed? It isn't like the sun. Your whole body is being seen by the light.I love it when this happens.. because then people like my grandma whom gets pleasure out of your pain, get pleasure of rubbing this in my face.i hate it.
Today. I was out with my grandmother and her lovely friend that lives across the street. After this trip, i decided that i dislike this friend more and more everytime i see her. That is a different story. Anyway, while riding down the street, in a dog hair infested car, I began speaking of the fact that my legs are white, and need to be tanned. After speaking of this, i then stated "I should go to the tanning bed, for like 20 min, i've only burned once in my whole 19 years of life." Amazed at my hardy olive skin friend says "well, i was planning on tanning today, so you should come". Next add-in i'll state is that, this lady is 50. And she tans.
This is why God lets skin cancer happen. I think it's okay.. every once in a while. NOT FOR ATLEAST 30 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.
Anyway, continueing on. We tanned. I get home. My back is as red as a lobster. Damn new bulbs. Who would have thought, you need to turn in a tanning bed? It isn't like the sun. Your whole body is being seen by the light.I love it when this happens.. because then people like my grandma whom gets pleasure out of your pain, get pleasure of rubbing this in my face.i hate it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Joy..What is it?
Bucket List. An amazing movie. Wonderful movie.
One of the main points of this movie, was arranged around a point of the beliefs of egyptians. In the olden days, they believed in order to get to heaven, you were asked two questions.. and each question had to be answered correctly in order to enter into those pearly gates. As "Ray" revealed those two questions, i began to try and answer them.. the correct way, but can I truly answer them correctly?
Question 1:
Have you found joy in your life?
What does this consist of? Those happy moments when you laugh uncontrolably and forget about every sad day, every tear, every moment of pain. Those times when we forget all the bad, and only soak in that one moment.. The moment of happiness that we so often take for granted. What happens inside when we have these moments? Does the part of our brain that controls pain, sorrow, worries, suffering, heartache, and many other bad emotions take a break for moment to rest? Does it quit working to provide the other part of the brain that controls happiness, joy, pleasure, love, and the other great emotions time to work. Why can't this part work more than the other part. Why can't we take advantage of the happiness we are given. Why can't we find happiness in the smallest miracles of God? The flowers. The trees. The sunshine. The rain. The times when we succeed in what we love, such as those moments when I actually take a good picture. The times we take pride in our work. Why do we always have to be so humble to find something wrong, a way to become better, to make look at the other side of the good image? Being humble is good, but sometimes to painful. Joy. Being completely happy and content for just a single moment? or forever? What does this consist of. If only I could figure out the meaning of the question, I could answer it truthfully. I've had moments, times of laughter, times of happiness, times of pleasure.. times when I feel loved, when i witness the miracles of life, the miracles of God. The moments on Mt. Nebo when I simply look up and see the majestic landscape, that only someone as grand as my Lord and Savior could have whipped up. The moments when I think of my best friend.. and know she will always be there when I need her.. far away or not. The moments when I see my family joined together, and see the love that is surrounding us. The knowledge of how blessed I am to have grandparents that absolutely adore me. If this is the things that are considered joy.. oh yes, I've experienced them.
Question 2:
Have you brought joy into someone elses life?
This one was pretty easy for me. Just one person? Sure. My grandparents. I know I brought them joy. I bring them joy when I walk through the door on the weekends. And the small things, like going to watch TV with them at night, makes them so happy. It is those times when they can answer "yes, i've experienced joy." Those times I have provided for them. But, the catch here, does it have to be only joy you've provided? I've sure provided some pain for them too. I take so forgranted what they've provided for me. What they do for me. What I have because of them. I take it all for granted, and forget to say thank you. I forget what hours they put in to take care of me, and when I'm asked to do something for them, I complain. Why on earth are you so selfish, Courtney? I wonder to myself after the moment has passed, and everything is forgotten. Forgotten by everyone else but me. I remember when I complain. Snap, and roll my eyes. I should ask to beable to help them by doing simple things like cooking dinner, or bringing them something from the store.. rather, I just yell. I can't understand myself sometimes, but yet.. can anyone really understand themselves? Does anyone grasp every detail of why they are the way they are? I don't think anyone could really know why they do the things they do, because it's provided from someone up above.. someone so amazing that there is noone who could ever explain the reasons behind it.
This brings me to my next reasoning. Why do I know what kind of person I should be, and continue to live my life astray? How come I see how a Christian should live, know it will bring me joy, and still continue to stray away? Why do I think I can find what I'm looking for when I know that God is the only one who can provide what I need? Do I think i'll find love? I sure hope so.. but as a christian, I know that I have to love God more than anything before that will ever happen. Am I doing that now? No. Not at all. I completely gave up reading my bible. I don't go to church anymore. I don't even pray half the time. At dinner the other night, I felt angry when I had to pray over the meal. What am I becoming? What is taking over my body? What is going to happen to me? Why do I think that without God, I will fill my void hole in my heart that is screaming for love? Why do I think that I will find the man of my dreams, which is a boy who fears the Lord, who loves him more than anything in the world, who puts him as number 1, if that is not what I'm doing? I realize that I'm not in the right place.. and I know what I have to do to fix it, but I just don't have the umpth to do it. I don't know where to begin. I wish the hole in my heart that screams for love would be filled with love for Jesus. Is this ever going to happen for me? Will I ever succeed in being the Christian I want to be? What is happening to me?
One of the main points of this movie, was arranged around a point of the beliefs of egyptians. In the olden days, they believed in order to get to heaven, you were asked two questions.. and each question had to be answered correctly in order to enter into those pearly gates. As "Ray" revealed those two questions, i began to try and answer them.. the correct way, but can I truly answer them correctly?
Question 1:
Have you found joy in your life?
What does this consist of? Those happy moments when you laugh uncontrolably and forget about every sad day, every tear, every moment of pain. Those times when we forget all the bad, and only soak in that one moment.. The moment of happiness that we so often take for granted. What happens inside when we have these moments? Does the part of our brain that controls pain, sorrow, worries, suffering, heartache, and many other bad emotions take a break for moment to rest? Does it quit working to provide the other part of the brain that controls happiness, joy, pleasure, love, and the other great emotions time to work. Why can't this part work more than the other part. Why can't we take advantage of the happiness we are given. Why can't we find happiness in the smallest miracles of God? The flowers. The trees. The sunshine. The rain. The times when we succeed in what we love, such as those moments when I actually take a good picture. The times we take pride in our work. Why do we always have to be so humble to find something wrong, a way to become better, to make look at the other side of the good image? Being humble is good, but sometimes to painful. Joy. Being completely happy and content for just a single moment? or forever? What does this consist of. If only I could figure out the meaning of the question, I could answer it truthfully. I've had moments, times of laughter, times of happiness, times of pleasure.. times when I feel loved, when i witness the miracles of life, the miracles of God. The moments on Mt. Nebo when I simply look up and see the majestic landscape, that only someone as grand as my Lord and Savior could have whipped up. The moments when I think of my best friend.. and know she will always be there when I need her.. far away or not. The moments when I see my family joined together, and see the love that is surrounding us. The knowledge of how blessed I am to have grandparents that absolutely adore me. If this is the things that are considered joy.. oh yes, I've experienced them.
Question 2:
Have you brought joy into someone elses life?
This one was pretty easy for me. Just one person? Sure. My grandparents. I know I brought them joy. I bring them joy when I walk through the door on the weekends. And the small things, like going to watch TV with them at night, makes them so happy. It is those times when they can answer "yes, i've experienced joy." Those times I have provided for them. But, the catch here, does it have to be only joy you've provided? I've sure provided some pain for them too. I take so forgranted what they've provided for me. What they do for me. What I have because of them. I take it all for granted, and forget to say thank you. I forget what hours they put in to take care of me, and when I'm asked to do something for them, I complain. Why on earth are you so selfish, Courtney? I wonder to myself after the moment has passed, and everything is forgotten. Forgotten by everyone else but me. I remember when I complain. Snap, and roll my eyes. I should ask to beable to help them by doing simple things like cooking dinner, or bringing them something from the store.. rather, I just yell. I can't understand myself sometimes, but yet.. can anyone really understand themselves? Does anyone grasp every detail of why they are the way they are? I don't think anyone could really know why they do the things they do, because it's provided from someone up above.. someone so amazing that there is noone who could ever explain the reasons behind it.
This brings me to my next reasoning. Why do I know what kind of person I should be, and continue to live my life astray? How come I see how a Christian should live, know it will bring me joy, and still continue to stray away? Why do I think I can find what I'm looking for when I know that God is the only one who can provide what I need? Do I think i'll find love? I sure hope so.. but as a christian, I know that I have to love God more than anything before that will ever happen. Am I doing that now? No. Not at all. I completely gave up reading my bible. I don't go to church anymore. I don't even pray half the time. At dinner the other night, I felt angry when I had to pray over the meal. What am I becoming? What is taking over my body? What is going to happen to me? Why do I think that without God, I will fill my void hole in my heart that is screaming for love? Why do I think that I will find the man of my dreams, which is a boy who fears the Lord, who loves him more than anything in the world, who puts him as number 1, if that is not what I'm doing? I realize that I'm not in the right place.. and I know what I have to do to fix it, but I just don't have the umpth to do it. I don't know where to begin. I wish the hole in my heart that screams for love would be filled with love for Jesus. Is this ever going to happen for me? Will I ever succeed in being the Christian I want to be? What is happening to me?
Monday, June 9, 2008
on the blog again..
I've been away from my blog for almost a year.. and my best friend and roommate Amber pointed it out to me. So, today, i'm back.. for a while i suppose.
Alot going on. Every day. Something new to make me wonder why. To make me want to see through to the future. Will I ever find a boy worth my time? Will I ever find a job that pays enough money to pay my bills with ease? Will I find a career that will make me happy, but yet not make me scared at the same time? What is in store for the future?
I don't know what matters more, the future or the present. As far as what goes on and living life, the present, but if the present makes me sad, shouldn't the future and what will change be my focus for a day or two?
Family. What describes this noun? When describing family, generally you hear two adjectives, related and love. What is the most important of the two? In order for a "related" family to be formed, one has to "love" another to make the family. It all flows together. But what if someone is added to your "family" and noone loves them, and they aren't related? Oh, i suppose he will be loved at some point, some way. I'm sure in a way besides being "in love." Point: My mom is getting married. She's known him for maybe two months, and she plans to marry him on saturday. This bothers me. It bothers me to know that she is marrying someone she doesn't know. She is making a commitment out of the Lord's eyes. It makes me sad to know that she doesn't see the marriage as something as precious as I see marriage. I see marriage as something so great. Some bond more important than anything else besides the bond you have with God. I find marriage something that should be unbreakable. If you don't know the person, if you don't know their family, if you don't know what goes on in the minds of the other person.. how can you make that marriage unbreakable? how does it happen? what makes it strong? Something has to change.
Our world is coming to an end. The world as we know it is slowing leaking into a puddle and going down the drain. What are we becoming?
Alot going on. Every day. Something new to make me wonder why. To make me want to see through to the future. Will I ever find a boy worth my time? Will I ever find a job that pays enough money to pay my bills with ease? Will I find a career that will make me happy, but yet not make me scared at the same time? What is in store for the future?
I don't know what matters more, the future or the present. As far as what goes on and living life, the present, but if the present makes me sad, shouldn't the future and what will change be my focus for a day or two?
Family. What describes this noun? When describing family, generally you hear two adjectives, related and love. What is the most important of the two? In order for a "related" family to be formed, one has to "love" another to make the family. It all flows together. But what if someone is added to your "family" and noone loves them, and they aren't related? Oh, i suppose he will be loved at some point, some way. I'm sure in a way besides being "in love." Point: My mom is getting married. She's known him for maybe two months, and she plans to marry him on saturday. This bothers me. It bothers me to know that she is marrying someone she doesn't know. She is making a commitment out of the Lord's eyes. It makes me sad to know that she doesn't see the marriage as something as precious as I see marriage. I see marriage as something so great. Some bond more important than anything else besides the bond you have with God. I find marriage something that should be unbreakable. If you don't know the person, if you don't know their family, if you don't know what goes on in the minds of the other person.. how can you make that marriage unbreakable? how does it happen? what makes it strong? Something has to change.
Our world is coming to an end. The world as we know it is slowing leaking into a puddle and going down the drain. What are we becoming?
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