fear.

Lost confusion. Confessions in my head that hid behind my heart. Knowing what is correct, but wanting what isn't right. Begging for the wrong, praying for the right. What do I do?

Can someone be the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to you? all at once? He is.

Am I blind to the real world answers? Am I lost in the sea of love? What is happening to my kind judgement and soft temper?

I sit and ponder, and simply need to get some things off my chest. I need to know what the right answer is, but it never seems to come. I pray, I make a decision, and then i second guess myself and wonder if it's the correct answer that God showed me, or if I'm simply making the decision the best pleases me. Importance, being used to an extent, or being loved?

At this point, I know that I can't take care of myself, muchless someone else, but he needs someone to take care of him, and he relys on me for that, but I can't do it. It will hurt saying I can't. I want to, I do. I want to beable to do anything I can to help him, but will I be sucessful? Probably not.

3 weeks is so so so soon. Can I handle it? Is it the time that bothers me, the person, or the fear? Is it fear if being rejected by him? Or is it the fact that he expects too much from me? Is it him in generally, his non-God fearing spirit? What is making these feels of sudden regret fall into my lap?

I buy the ticket.
I buy the meal.
I buy the necessities.
I buy the gas.
What do you get?
An easy way out, with a struggling girlfriend.

Today I ask myself, is love more important than myself? Is it worth disappointing my family, and friends? Is it even really there? Can I love by knowing the pain it's caused others? What do I do, Lord. Please give me the answers today. Tell me what I do, tell me how I do it.. Tell me why.

I ask you please, please tell me the answer.

pretty much emotions get me in trouble.

and he cares. <3

careless.

Have you ever thought about, what protects your heart?

Just a cage of rib bones, and other various parts.

This is so true. There is no preperation for being heartbroken. Nothing at all you can do emotionally to help you prepare for a heartbreak. Big or small. Nothing that can make your heart not hurt quite as bad, because when it happens, it hurts. No matter what. Sure, your ribs and other bodily organs protect your heart from being physically damaged, but emotional damage is unpreventable.

Heartbreak. When you hear this term, you generally think of loseing someone special. I would think of a break up, death, or other type of large let down. But in my book, these are just major heartbreaks. Many don't include the small things that make your heart hurt to be a heartbreak. I do. And my heart gets hurt pretty often. I wish I could learn to make something besides my ribs and other various parts protect my heart.

As someone who is generally happy, I love making others happy. I have been hurt, over and over, and so when I can make someone else happy, when in pain, it makes me feel important. Generally that's what I long for. I long to be important to someone. I want someone to miss me when I'm gone, and value my opinion. I want someone to want to talk to me, and let me make them happy. I want to make someone happy, and be important to them. I don't really want to be the most important. Just important. I want someone to let me make them happy. Someone imparticular, Sean.

Considering I know noone reads this, I'm okay with letting it all out. The only person that would read this would be Amber, and it doesn't matter if she knows, so..Hi Amber:]

Anyhow. Sean goes through so much, and he means a lot to me. Even being so far away, he can make me happy. Without trying. Simply a conversation makes me happy. I suppose I'm just easy to please, because it isn't the same for him. I don't make him happy no matter how hard I try. I don't make him feel the same way, and it makes my heart so sad. It hurts when he tells me his roommates make him happy, when I'm the one that listens to his problems, and tells him it will be okay. I'm the one that tells him goodnight every night, and worries about him when he doesn't answer. I'm the one that cares so much about him, and yet, I still get nothing. Why? Why was I put in the position to care for someone so much, and not recieve the same in return. I just don't understand. I know that everyone is put in my life for a reason, but I haven't figured out the reason for Sean. Maybe he's there to make me happy. Maybe I shouldn't worry about making someone else happy for once. But that isn't fair, because he would make me muh happier if I were important to him. Ah. Whatever.

Heartbreak. Tonight, my heart was broken a little bit. When you told me they make you happy. When you didn't say "you make me happy, so you don't have to leave me alone." Instead, you said, "It's all I do, but I spend a lot of time with Sarah and Ami, and they make me happy, so, yeah." Note to you: I want to make you happy. Not sexually, not physically, not romantically, not anything more than just a friendly happiness. That's what I want. I want you to miss me when I'm not around, and notice when something is wrong. I want you to care. Basically, I want you to stop being careless.

Suicide.

When the thought enters my mind in a time of pain, although not in a considerational manner,

it scares the piss out of me.

FireWORKs.

Uh. So, today is supposed to be a day where I celebrate being free. Being an American. Being all I can be, in the Army National Gaurd, you can. Okay, not so much.

Not so much, because if I were really celebrating my freedom, I'd call into work today. I have that freedom too, right?

Listen, People really aren't going to be dying to by shoes today. I really don't think it will like, cause someone to crash their car and die if they don't have new shoes on their feet. I don't think it will hold anyone back from their freedom celebration, only because there are many other stores that sale shoes that would still be open if Payless were closed today. Wal-Mart for instance.

So my point is, today is not a day full of fireworks, red white and blue, cookouts, and homemade ice cream until you get your daily misery out of the way. This misery being work. The fire has to be taken out of fireworks to explain my day today. WORK. that's it.

Okay, a little exaggerated I know. I actually get off at 2. I know, that isn't bad. But.. What is bad, is having to wake up early on a day when I'm supposed to celebrate! Celebrate sleep is what I want to do!

independence day.

What upsets me the most about the Iraqi war? People complaining about it. Do you understand what this war represents? It represents who we are, Americans. Can you not see that we are there, because of the freedom we have, and the fact that we want to share our freedom with others? Anyhow... planned or not, the so called reason we are in Iraq is to "spread democracy" uh, news flash, you bitching about it constantly and the tomorrow wearing your red white and blue is pretty contradictory. take your red white and blue back to the closet and rethink what you are wearing and determine if you are truly proud to be an American or if bitching about things you can't control makes you happier. If so, go join the other side of the Iraqi War.

The point of my complaining is the general fact that we have the choice. We have a choice today to join the military. We choose to let our Sons join, we choose to sign the papers ourselves, we choose to make the commitment to stand up for our country. We do this for love, and for us to decide we don't want to do it anymore after our country makes a choice to stand up for ourselves after being brought down and broken by a horrible attack, makes me sick to my stomach.

My view, is that we should support those boys no matter what. When they don't have support at home, they don't do the best they can do, and they don't come home. They need to come home to their families, their kids, their wives, because I couldn't imagine having my husband lost in a war where my neighbor cursed him for being there. I couldn't imagine.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July. Independence day. Proud to be an American. Freedom reigns. Do we really appreciate being an American as much as we should? Do we really thank God for placing us here? Do we have any idea what it would be like to be in a different Country where freedom wasn't a free thing? I don't think we do. I don't think we know what it's like to not have the money for food, although we stuggle and we complain and hope for more money, we haven't ever gone without. We don't know what it's like to lose a sister or brother to starvation. We don't know what it's like to eat weeds from the front yard to stay alive. We don't know what it's like to have the government tell us what jobs we will have one day. And how much we are worthy of becoming. We don't understand this side of things.

Anyway. I'm trying to be in the spirit of the holiday, but I'm having these retarded girl moments that make me all teary-eyed and sappy. Gross. I hate being this way, because well, in reality I don't have anyone to appease my sappy moments. Noone to hold my hand and give me kisses good night. OH. I guess I could have brought 30y/o man home with me. He sure would know how to make me happy. -gag- I'm so pathetic.

I've been thinking about the future. What the future holds. What the future has in store for me and my friends. My family. My love life. My professional life. Where will I be when I get out of school besides in debt? Ha. Probably only there. Broke and in debt.

This one boy. Makes me smile. Mhm.

death in general.

What the hell do i say when someone says "i'm sorry about your grandma passing"..it isn't okay.. why do i have to say it's okay?
what am i supposed to say to this?sometimes, i just don't get the customs that we are used to.. such as saying i'm sorry when someone dies.
Note: It isn't okay when someone dies.