Joy..What is it?

Bucket List. An amazing movie. Wonderful movie.

One of the main points of this movie, was arranged around a point of the beliefs of egyptians. In the olden days, they believed in order to get to heaven, you were asked two questions.. and each question had to be answered correctly in order to enter into those pearly gates. As "Ray" revealed those two questions, i began to try and answer them.. the correct way, but can I truly answer them correctly?

Question 1:
Have you found joy in your life?
What does this consist of? Those happy moments when you laugh uncontrolably and forget about every sad day, every tear, every moment of pain. Those times when we forget all the bad, and only soak in that one moment.. The moment of happiness that we so often take for granted. What happens inside when we have these moments? Does the part of our brain that controls pain, sorrow, worries, suffering, heartache, and many other bad emotions take a break for moment to rest? Does it quit working to provide the other part of the brain that controls happiness, joy, pleasure, love, and the other great emotions time to work. Why can't this part work more than the other part. Why can't we take advantage of the happiness we are given. Why can't we find happiness in the smallest miracles of God? The flowers. The trees. The sunshine. The rain. The times when we succeed in what we love, such as those moments when I actually take a good picture. The times we take pride in our work. Why do we always have to be so humble to find something wrong, a way to become better, to make look at the other side of the good image? Being humble is good, but sometimes to painful. Joy. Being completely happy and content for just a single moment? or forever? What does this consist of. If only I could figure out the meaning of the question, I could answer it truthfully. I've had moments, times of laughter, times of happiness, times of pleasure.. times when I feel loved, when i witness the miracles of life, the miracles of God. The moments on Mt. Nebo when I simply look up and see the majestic landscape, that only someone as grand as my Lord and Savior could have whipped up. The moments when I think of my best friend.. and know she will always be there when I need her.. far away or not. The moments when I see my family joined together, and see the love that is surrounding us. The knowledge of how blessed I am to have grandparents that absolutely adore me. If this is the things that are considered joy.. oh yes, I've experienced them.

Question 2:
Have you brought joy into someone elses life?
This one was pretty easy for me. Just one person? Sure. My grandparents. I know I brought them joy. I bring them joy when I walk through the door on the weekends. And the small things, like going to watch TV with them at night, makes them so happy. It is those times when they can answer "yes, i've experienced joy." Those times I have provided for them. But, the catch here, does it have to be only joy you've provided? I've sure provided some pain for them too. I take so forgranted what they've provided for me. What they do for me. What I have because of them. I take it all for granted, and forget to say thank you. I forget what hours they put in to take care of me, and when I'm asked to do something for them, I complain. Why on earth are you so selfish, Courtney? I wonder to myself after the moment has passed, and everything is forgotten. Forgotten by everyone else but me. I remember when I complain. Snap, and roll my eyes. I should ask to beable to help them by doing simple things like cooking dinner, or bringing them something from the store.. rather, I just yell. I can't understand myself sometimes, but yet.. can anyone really understand themselves? Does anyone grasp every detail of why they are the way they are? I don't think anyone could really know why they do the things they do, because it's provided from someone up above.. someone so amazing that there is noone who could ever explain the reasons behind it.

This brings me to my next reasoning. Why do I know what kind of person I should be, and continue to live my life astray? How come I see how a Christian should live, know it will bring me joy, and still continue to stray away? Why do I think I can find what I'm looking for when I know that God is the only one who can provide what I need? Do I think i'll find love? I sure hope so.. but as a christian, I know that I have to love God more than anything before that will ever happen. Am I doing that now? No. Not at all. I completely gave up reading my bible. I don't go to church anymore. I don't even pray half the time. At dinner the other night, I felt angry when I had to pray over the meal. What am I becoming? What is taking over my body? What is going to happen to me? Why do I think that without God, I will fill my void hole in my heart that is screaming for love? Why do I think that I will find the man of my dreams, which is a boy who fears the Lord, who loves him more than anything in the world, who puts him as number 1, if that is not what I'm doing? I realize that I'm not in the right place.. and I know what I have to do to fix it, but I just don't have the umpth to do it. I don't know where to begin. I wish the hole in my heart that screams for love would be filled with love for Jesus. Is this ever going to happen for me? Will I ever succeed in being the Christian I want to be? What is happening to me?

on the blog again..

I've been away from my blog for almost a year.. and my best friend and roommate Amber pointed it out to me. So, today, i'm back.. for a while i suppose.

Alot going on. Every day. Something new to make me wonder why. To make me want to see through to the future. Will I ever find a boy worth my time? Will I ever find a job that pays enough money to pay my bills with ease? Will I find a career that will make me happy, but yet not make me scared at the same time? What is in store for the future?

I don't know what matters more, the future or the present. As far as what goes on and living life, the present, but if the present makes me sad, shouldn't the future and what will change be my focus for a day or two?

Family. What describes this noun? When describing family, generally you hear two adjectives, related and love. What is the most important of the two? In order for a "related" family to be formed, one has to "love" another to make the family. It all flows together. But what if someone is added to your "family" and noone loves them, and they aren't related? Oh, i suppose he will be loved at some point, some way. I'm sure in a way besides being "in love." Point: My mom is getting married. She's known him for maybe two months, and she plans to marry him on saturday. This bothers me. It bothers me to know that she is marrying someone she doesn't know. She is making a commitment out of the Lord's eyes. It makes me sad to know that she doesn't see the marriage as something as precious as I see marriage. I see marriage as something so great. Some bond more important than anything else besides the bond you have with God. I find marriage something that should be unbreakable. If you don't know the person, if you don't know their family, if you don't know what goes on in the minds of the other person.. how can you make that marriage unbreakable? how does it happen? what makes it strong? Something has to change.

Our world is coming to an end. The world as we know it is slowing leaking into a puddle and going down the drain. What are we becoming?